A Casual Talk About Death
It was 3 AM and I can’t stop thinking
I sometimes just zoned out and found myself randomly contemplating about this. How do I want to die, how would it probably feels like, or how do I know — I mean, how will I be aware if that happen. I imagine myself being conscious of leaving, somehow experiencing things like transitioning between life and death; lights fading out of sights, suddenly this very bright beam delicately come down from above — or whatever will go on when you slip between worlds, like they usually visualize in movies. Most of the times, I also think about what will happen after the death to those people left behind. I’m sure their life will go on, but what are their real thoughts about me? Will I be able to read or see it too?
I have always had bunch of questions tingling inside my head. One of them is, “if you were given a chance on choosing the day of your death, when would it be?” — But people will probably think I’m insane. They will start to ask me if I’m okay or if I need help, but what’s the point of offering help when they can’t even help? like, duh. Hence, I got this weird idea to answer if I was asked; I’d choose the same date as my birthday. I think it’s nice (and very convenient, since people won’t have to remember any other dates) to have that one specific day to let your people be all about you — to celebrate that day as your day, serve your favorite food even though they never understand why you liked it but feel somewhat wrong if it’s not there, buy your favorite blueberry cheesecake from that one specific cake shop, play your all time favorite songs, reminiscing about times they’ve spent with you — for just one day every year, even though you’re not there anymore.
Anyway,
I’m aware that death itself is one of the most sensitive topic to be spoken of. Some people hate it, most scared of it that they choose just to avoid it. For me, death is, well, it’s inevitable. It is bound to happen and you can’t do anything about it. Am I scared of it? I’m honestly not sure. I have plenty of scenarios in life where I’d prefer death. Those moments shaped my mindset that death is probably not that bad, compared to everything that happened here. It’s almost always felt like I’m ready for it anytime. To think of it again, I’m technically able to think that way only if I was placed in them. Now, what if I was not placed in that bad scenarios, what if everything’s going so well in this life, you meet someone that makes you want to exist forever so just you could be together with them – make a lot of future plans and suddenly it just struck out of nowhere that you (or them) could possibly be gone anytime?
I’d be lying if I said it won’t budge me.
“You’re not scared of things you can’t see, such as death or destruction. But once they become visible, your fear suddenly becomes real.”
