Back To You

An open letter for the one who’s worth all the reset.

Back to you, it always comes around
I tried to stay away, but it’s too late

► Back To You by John Mayer

Don’t you just wish life comes with this kind of buttons you could press whenever you need it? Like, a rewind button when you missed your favorite TV show, or a pause button so you could enjoy something more relaxed, or a reset button when a certain thing went south and you would like to re-do it. I really wish it’d be like that, but well, life’s a bastard ya’ know.

It was on a rainy Sunday night when someone knocked on my door. I opened up and there you were. Standing in front of me — green plaid shirt, black t-shirt, and pair of jeans; all drenched. On your left hand was a cake, and right hand tried to block the wind from blowing into the candles lit.

“Happy birthday, Jenn,” you smiled. I blew out the candles, and handed you a towel. We sat side by side listening to the loudest silence I have ever encountered.

“I’ve missed you.” you muttered, finally.

From that three words, it all began.

So many things were going on; a lot of holes waiting to be mended, words unsaid, explanations to be told. I couldn’t forget how we both cried that night. In fact, it wasn’t just that night, but almost every night, every day at some point. I just couldn’t face you, but if I didn’t see you it hurts me even more. Every time I smiled at you, you doubted me and every time you said you love me, I didn’t know if I should say it back. We tried to pick up scattered broken pieces and we didn’t even know if we could. We have done a lot, but somehow we felt like going in circle. Nothing has changed. We were desperate.

I was ready to gave up and probably you too, but somehow we didn’t. People said, love is something that you need to work on every day, you never give up on the person you love. I’m pretty glad we both agreed on that.

I still recall all of these reset routines — every day you’d come to my place, we’d eat together, watch movies, took a stroll at the mall, or if we didn’t know what to do, you’d took me on night ride with nowhere to go. I have this glimpse of memories where I just couldn’t stop crying during a ride and stained the back of your jacket with snots. You pulled over and wiped away my tears but I just kept on crying without saying anything — sorry, it could have went wrong if people saw us and thought you were kidnapping me, but thank God it didn’t — So without saying anything as well, you patiently started the engine and just kept riding until we arrived at this luxurious housing complex filled with houses we often see in movies. You kept making assumptions to yourself; how many people do you think live in this house or what kind of important person owns this tall, black-fenced house with two security guards in front. It was nonsense but the next thing I knew, I stopped crying and somehow found myself discussing those nonsense assumptions with you. What an odd way to calm a storm, huh?

Since then, we did a lot of reset to our relationship. It’d be a trilogy if I write everything down, but I remember one night, after we went to watch movie and ate at our favorite K-BBQ restaurant, we took a stroll and I held your hands. We just talked, laughed, watched people here and there, finally stopped by Dairy Queen to get our favorite Oreo Blizzard. The date ended with a quick ride around the luxury housing complex, took me back and you waited until I went inside. It was just so simple, so innocent, but somehow I got a lot of butterflies — oh screw butterflies, in fact I could feel the entire zoo— in my stomach like it was my first date. That night, I was probably the happiest person on earth; and who would have known, three years later now, I’m writing this to commemorate our fourth anniversary, thinking about you who’s already asleep because you gotta wake up early. We are currently going through another long distance, I know you hate this as much as I do, but I’m sure this time it’s a piece of cake. We will get through this again, everything will be alright, as long as we have each other.

Dre, in case you are reading this; thank you for always being the most patient, reasonable, cool-headed person I know. Thank you for sticking through, and thank you for all the things you have done for me.
We still have a lot to learn, and I hope you’re willing to keep learning together with me, because it’d be hard to learn alone when it’s supposed to be a lesson for two.
If forever does exist, I hope to spend it with you.
Happy anniversary.

Always,
Jenn