Yes, I’m Nervous
Right now. At this very moment.
I have been staring at my screen for quite a while. I want to write a piece but I just can’t seem to stitch all of these overlapping words inside my head. My palms are sweaty, chills run up and down my spine, I can’t stop cracking fingers, tightness on my head and chest. I feel somehow upset and frustrated. It’s excruciating.
It happens every time I’m trying to write or basically, create something. A second ago, I felt super inspired, but a moment later, it’s either I went blank or I just struggled to tame my own thoughts because it’s just so loud, and unpleasing.
Every single time.
And it freaks me out, that I start doubting myself.
“Oh come on, you? A writer? [indistinct chuckles]”
“Shouldn’t you just quit?”
“You call this a writing? People will laugh at you, duh!”
“Dude, you’re just not good at it, what do you expect?”
“See, these people here write much better than you. You think you’re as good?”
“You’re never gonna be like them”
“Just suck it up and let it go”
Oh gosh. These voices in my head started to echo, making things worse than it already is.
It occur to me that the only way to get out from this mess is to pack myself up and leave. I gotta fight back, I refuse to let any negative energy interfere with my life. So I get up from bed, opened the window to let the breeze in. I sat on my desk, sipped a cup of Earl Grey that’s been sitting for a while, took a deep breath and opened my laptop. I started to type whatever that comes in, ignoring my own loud – self-mockery – sound inside.
I keep typing, typing, typing, occasionally took a sip of my tea, typing, typing, typing again until I realized that I actually made a point.
I made this writing, and I might gonna post it.
Well, maybe not yet a masterpiece but hey, a little progress each day adds up to big result, isn’t it?
I slowly leaned back on my chair and felt a bit relaxed. I started to contemplate — why am I so nervous? What in the world am I so afraid of? Is it because I can’t write? Is my writing sucks? But based on what? Why do I keep degrading myself and thinking that I will fail even before I try?
Until this writing is about to be posted, I honestly am, still feel nervous. The idea of being not good enough, people’s judgments, and insecurity haunts me. But again, I refuse to stop. I will keep writing and I will keep learning, improving everyday. For my own sake.
Being nervous is a perfectly natural response to a new experience or a situation that’s outside of your comfort zone. Hence, these new experiences will help us grow in life. If you wish to overcome it, in my case, deep breathing works quickly and it can be practiced at any time and any place whenever nervousness hits.
It is alright to be nervous or scared, just pause a second, relax the tension, take a deep breath, and continue where you left off. Keep going, for one day you will look back on everything you have been through, and you will be proud of yourself.
